he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
