I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Farmville is her only friend.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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