How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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