Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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