She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize