Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
