I wish life had little blips of pornography
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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