i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
