I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize