I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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