I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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