I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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