How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
