Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
