Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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