Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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