I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
