You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
