Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Sober January is a disaster.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
