I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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