Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Alive.
So much puke
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
