I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
