Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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