I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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