We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
