I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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