he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
