This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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