if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
