My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
