It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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