I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize