3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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