You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
