remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
