I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
