Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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