the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It's rum buckets o'clock
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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