shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
