She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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