Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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