Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
