Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize