the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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