puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize