Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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