you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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