I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
