Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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