Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
