my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
