gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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