I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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