Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
