I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
