I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
