its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
