and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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