Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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