When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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