My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
be right there i have to get my cape
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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