I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
