He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
