They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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